Discovery 1: Each Other’s Core Ego Needs

The Inner Enneagram

Gaining Comprehensive Self-Awareness
of Each Other’s Personality

I. Discovering Each Partner’s Core Ego Needs

As each partner opened up, the First Dynamic became evident as people of the same Enneagram types shared the same three or four core ego needs – that is, what each partner in their personality fundamentally needed in the relationship in order to thrive.

This becomes important in a lifetime partnership with someone of a different personality type, who has different fundamental ego needs. This is because these core ego needs tend to be connected to the person’s emotional well-being. So having them unmet in their relationship leads to a feeling of emptiness that will create tensions within the person and in the relationship.

The learning from this is that for emotional intimacy to be sustained, partners need to make each other’s core ego needs as important as their own“Both Needs Matter” is the mantra. Your partner’s fundamental ego needs have to be as important in the relationship as your own. After all this is what a team and a partnership is. This is what you both signed up for when you committed to each other!

But when a partner’s core ego need does not make sense in your world, and they typically do not, it can be difficult to respond. The Inner Enneagram lays out the fundamental core ego needs for everyone that you know. Including your children, family members, your boss and co-workers. This is what makes them tick. This is what they specifically need from you in order to feel good inside – within themselves and towards you.

I’ve seen several therapists over the years and Chris is by far the best ever! I wish I had met him two decades earlier because I have learned so much about myself that not only enriched my marriage but has helped me in all facets of my life. Chris is truly gifted!

So if you prefer the bitch-about-your-partner style therapist, then Chris is not for you. However if you’re ready to truly understand what makes you and your partner thrive so you can nurture each other, then get ready to have Chris rock your world!” – Ann L.

More importantly, the Inner Enneagram also shows “Why” those specific needs matter deep inside each other. This in itself you will find revelatory. Now it makes sense! This enables each of you to put yourselves in your partner’s shoes in what they go through deep inside. As a result you now understand, and empathize and care, rather than become critical of the other.

Continue to Discovery 2:
Each Other’s Sensitivities